While all couples in long-term relationships argue occasionally, arguments need not result in hurt feelings, frustration, or one person storming out of the room. Following are some tips that can help you have productive arguments:

Ground Rules

Ground rules are clearly defined agreements about what is and what is not allowed during arguments. Some examples might be:

o   No violence of any kind [Note: includes slamming down    hand, book, or other object]

o   No name-calling

o   No bringing up past issues

o   No yelling

Our Ground Rules:

1. ______________________________________________________________

2. ______________________________________________________________

3. ______________________________________________________________

4. ______________________________________________________________

Toxic Topics

Most couples have issues that predictably lead to arguments that don’t get resolved. Circle any of the following that apply to you and/or your partner:

Alcohol                Finances

Children              Friends

Drugs (includes prescription)                        Gambling

Hobbies             Pornography

In-laws               Sexual relationship

Internet use       Sports (watching/participating)

Music  (performing/listening)                        Television

Neighbors                                                            Work                                                                        Other:__________________________

Other:_____________________

In order to resolve recurring conflicts, you must be willing to put aside your ego and give up being “right.”  Rather than viewing your partner as a member of the opposing team, picture the two of you standing shoulder-to-shoulder. Now you are on the same team. Together you are ready to face the conflict at hand.

Self-Assessment Checklist

Once you have committed to working with your partner, it is necessary to be accountable for your behavior. Ask yourself, “Do I…?”

…maintain eye contact when speaking or listening?

…wait until my partner is finished speaking before I respond?

…stay on topic?

…discuss this issue until it is settled or we agree to a time out?

Time-Outs

It may be necessary to take a recess from discussing a given topic, due to heightened emotions or time constraints.  Time-outs should include:

1)  Reason -  “I’m getting too upset to talk about this any more.”

2)  Request -  “Can we end this discussion for now?”

3)  Specific plan – “How about talking again tomorrow after dinner?”

4)  Agreement from partner – “How does that sound to you?”

Reference source:  The Couple’s Survival Workbook: What YOU Can Do to Reconnect with Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Work by David Olsen and Douglas Stephens

How to Protect Children at Home.

Before I leave this thread for now, I’d like to offer some general suggestions for keeping your children safe. Again – these thoughts are gathered from my time treating sex offenders and hearing from them how they gained access to their victims. Most often, perpetrators know their victims and the victims’ parents. In another post I addressed teachers and coaches. Here I will talk about babysitters, family members, neighbors, and friends.

Babysitters

1.  Know your babysitters. Ask for references and check them! If the babysitter is under 18, ask to meet her parents.

2.  Do not hire a male babysitter.  Yes, I realize this sounds sexist. But remember that over 90% of child molesters are male. Does that mean your kids are guaranteed to be safe with a female? Of course not. It just means that statistically speaking, their chances of being safe are much higher than with a male.

3.  Plan surprise visits.  Especially the first or second time with a new babysitter, drop by an hour or so after the start time to pick up the coat [or camera or whatever] you “forgot.” Briefly say hello to the sitter and the kids, grab the item and breeze out again. Notice anything that isn’t quite right. If the sitter is talking on her cell phone and ignoring the kids, wait until she hangs up and remind her she’s there to interact with your children.

4.  Make corrections. If your son tells you the new babysitter is “really cool” and let him stay up an hour past his bedtime, don’t let it pass. Speak with her.

5.  Have a “no guests” rule. Babysitting is a job. Just as it’s inappropriate to have friends visit you at your workplace, your sitter should be focused on interacting with your kids, not chatting with her friends (and definitely not entertaining a boyfriend).

6.  Put it in writing. Have a written list of how you can be reached; emergency contact if you are unavailable; and doctor’s phone number. Also, list any of your children’s food or other allergies; favorite bedtime stories; and anything else you feel is important. Take some time to do this and revise as necessary.

Don’t be shy! Remember: these are your children and your home. You get to decide what makes you feel safe. Once everything is in place, you can truly relax while you are away and come home feeling refreshed and ready to parent again!

Neighbors/Friends

One of the basic flaws in the “Stranger Danger” approach is that perpetrators are generally known to their victims. So when you warn your kids to stay away from people they don’t know, you are implying that all the people they do know are safe. Since this is not the case, consider the following guidelines:

1. It’s okay to say “no” to an adult.   Give your children permission to speak up. If your daughter is at a sleep-over and her friend’s father wants to tuck her in, she should feel comfortable saying firmly, “No thank you. That’s something only my parents do.”

2. Never accept an invitation from an adult to enter a house or car.  Think about it. Is there any legitimate reason for the guy next door to ask your ten year old son to come into his house?

3. Be assertive!  When you notice that your husband’s buddy always wants to hug or tickle your daughter or asks her provocative questions, tell him to stop: “Jim, you’re making Meagan uncomfortable. Please don’t do that.” If he persists, let him know he’s no longer welcome in your home.

Family Members

Although the above “Neighbors/Friends” guidelines apply, it becomes more complicated with family. Your children may spend a lot of time with their grandparents, aunts/uncles, or other relatives. They may spend weekends in their homes or go on camping trips without you or your spouse present.

In order to ensure the safety of your children, they must be given permission to decline any contact with an adult that makes them uncomfortable. That means that when your five year old daughter doesn’t want to sit on grandpa’s lap, she doesn’t have to. Insisting that your son gives auntie a good night kiss does not teach him good manners. It teaches that adults’ needs are more important than his needs.

And finally – trust your child! If he or she tells you that someone “creeps them out” or makes them feel “icky,” ask what they mean. Even if they can’t describe any specific behavior, don’t discount their feelings. Keep a close eye on that person when they are near your kids. When it comes to your child, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

The only viable way to eliminate sexual abuse in educational and religious institutions is through the implementation of policy change:

Policy#1:  “Glass Door Policy”  No child is ever alone with a staff or faculty member unless they are in an unlocked room with a full-length, uncovered glass door. If seated, the chairs and/or desks must be in full view through the door (no furniture or other barriers obscuring view). Room should be in well-traveled part of the building, where staff or others will be walking by (and likely glancing in).

Policy #2: “Regular Campus Hours Policy”  Meetings with minors are scheduled during regular office hours. No meetings are held after hours without written permission of the school principal and at least one other administrator. Reasons should be stated why meeting could not have been scheduled during regular campus hours. After hours meetings are conducted with at least one parent present.

Policy #3: “Staff/Faculty is prohibited from providing transportation”  Child victims often experience assaults in the offender’s vehicle. Offenders also use the privacy of his/her vehicle to groom victims.

Policy #4: “Chaperoning minors shall occur under carefully monitored conditions” One of the most common scenarios for sexual assaults is a camping trip where a “special set of circumstances” occurred that allowed the coach/teacher/minister to be alone with a child. A policy needs to exist that requires enough adult chaperones so that if an adult needs to [for example] treat a child’s injury, a second adult can be present.

Policy #5: “No fraternization shall occur off-campus between staff/faculty and students”  It always shocks me to read about sexual abuse occurring at the coach’s or teacher’s home. What the heck is the child doing there?? Once that line is crossed, it opens the door for additional boundaries to also be crossed. The policy should state that off-campus meetings are prohibited. Random encounters should be as limited as possible. For example, if your daughter and her friends run into her soccer coach at the local mall, she says “Hi” and keeps walking. If he attempts to stop and chat with her, that behavior is reported and he is reprimanded.

As you read through these suggested policies you may be thinking: “Holy cow. Some of these ideas would really be difficult to implement. I mean, what if I’m the parent who has to cancel my turn as chaperone because I’m sick?  Do I want to be responsible for canceling the whole field trip? And do I really want to report a coach for being friendly?”

How important is a single field trip compared with a child’s safety? And how important is it that you avoid being labeled as “that uptight mom or dad”? The development of new policies changes nothing unless there is a commitment to adherence. Remember: each exception to a policy creates a loophole for a sexual predator. And they are very, very good at finding loopholes.

It’s a fool’s errand to try to pick out a child molester from a crowd. They are average-looking people who children like and parents trust. Just ask Jerry.

I spent almost eleven years as a sex offender treatment provider. I learned a great deal about how sex offenders think and plan, including how they gain access to their victims. In this and future posts, I will share some of what I learned. I also invite you to ask questions and suggest topics under the general heading of sexual abuse or sexual predators.

In the wake of the recent Penn State scandal, media reports focused on the reasons the incidents of abuse were not reported when they first occurred. While this is clearly an important question, there is another that is seldom explored:  “Why is sexual abuse so rampant in our schools and churches?”

1) Pedophiles [See my post "Sexual Abuse: a brief glossary of terms"] gravitate to jobs that allow them to be close to children. Therefore, at any given time, there are more pedophiles working as teachers, coaches, and youth ministers than there are working as, say, building contractors or bartenders (where regulations do not permit children on the premises.)

2) As in the case of priests, sexual assaults by educators are usually not reported which means that the same individuals go on to molest numerous children.

3) Parents tell their kids that in the parents’ absence, the teacher or coach is “the boss.” His/her directions should be followed to the letter. Similarly, parents are hesitant to question a coach about giving their son a ride home after a game or chaperoning the girls’ soccer trip without another adult present. This lack of assertiveness results in children being left alone with an adult who may or may not be safe.

4) Pedophiles are good at what they do. They know how to charm children and their parents. Jerry Sandusky was described as “a nice guy,” “the grandfatherly-type” and other glowing descriptions. The men in the sex offender groups I facilitated looked much the same as those in any men’s group (divorced dads, resume-writing class, AA meeting, etc.) It can be a serious – even fatal – error to believe that “those people” can be picked out of a crowd.

5) Background screenings and fingerprinting do not tell the whole story.  These screenings will only pick up convictions for sexual offenses. So, for example, if a sexual offense was pleaded down to a non-sexual offense, it would not show up through a screening. And since we know most offenses are not even reported, much less prosecuted, it is an illusion of safety to believe these screenings will keep children safe.

What, then, can be done to protect children in schools and churches?

See my next post: Protecting Children through Policy Change

As a sex offender treatment provider for over ten years, I learned a great deal about how sex offenders think, including how they gain access to their victims. Among many other topics on this blog, I will share some of what I learned in the sex offender treatment field. My hope is that others will use this information to keep their children safe. I invite you to ask questions and suggest topics under the general heading of sexual abuse or sexual predators.

Over 95% of sexual offenses are committed by persons known to the victim and to the victim’s family. No one likes to believe this. It is much more palatable to focus on “stranger danger” than it is to question the intentions of your father or your child’s coach. But denying reality is not the answer. And the good news is that the occurrence of sexual assaults on children can be greatly reduced.

To begin the discussion, let’s clarify some definitions. Many of the following terms are used incorrectly or interchangeably in the media.

Child molester – generally used to denote “hands-on” offenses (as opposed to exposing or verbal sexual interaction)

Grooming – An attempt to gain the trust of a potential victim through attention/compliments, affection, money or other gifts

Minor – in California, a person under eighteen years of age

Pedophile – An adult who gains sexual gratification from pre-pubescent children

Sex offender – general legal term. Refers to someone who has been convicted of any sexual crime against an adult or a minor

Sexual predator – Someone who actively identifies a potential victim, then grooms him/her with the plan of getting the victim alone

See my next post: Locking the Barn Door – Sexual Abuse in Schools and Churches

Americans are all about outcome. So if a relationship doesn’t last, we feel bad. Our thoughts haunt us. “I failed. I wonder if there was something else I could have done. What did I miss that could have made things turn out differently?”

But what if the answer to that question is, “You didn’t miss anything. You did everything you could. It just didn’t work out the way you wanted.”

The operation was a success but the patient died.

What can you take away from such a seemingly dismal experience? One thing you can do is explore the question that keeps rattling around in your head, “Was there something else I could have done?” If it helps, write a list of what you tried during the course of the relationship. An example of such a list might be:

1) Tried ignoring his outbursts. Response: Outbursts increased in frequency and intensity and I started becoming afraid of him.

2) Tried explaining to my boyfriend how his anger was effecting me. Response: He became agitated and walked out of the room.

3) Threatened to leave him if he didn’t control his yelling and swearing. Response: He laughed and told me to “Get over it.”

4) I searched the internet and found some sites and self-help books that increased my understanding of the dynamics of our relationship. Shared the information with him so we could discuss it. Response: He said he didn’t need it.

5) Asked him to come to counseling with me. Response: He refused.

6) Went to counseling by myself. Response: I learned that I had options. I didn’t have to allow myself to live in fear. I decided to end relationship.

7) Is there anything else I considered but for some reason decided not to try? Response: No.

Can you think of other ideas that this woman missed? Sure, you might. But most of us would feel she gave it the good old college try. And it didn’t work.

What I would tell her is, “You have nothing to be ashamed of. You gave it your best shot. Not only did you not fail, but you succeeded in following through with an investment of time and energy in an attempt to salvage this relationship. Allow yourself to feel good about that. Now, if anyone ever asks, ‘Do you think there was any way that relationship could have worked?’ you can honestly say, ‘I did everything I knew how to do at that time. It just didn’t work out the way I wanted.’  “

That happens sometimes.